Seireitei Rulebook, vol 2
by Kouzumi93
Summary: Ichigo finds himself in a bad situation, all becuase he didn't read the rules. Now that he's read them, he wishes he never had.


Man, I never cease to be amazed. I posted a story; less than a full day later, there's nine reviews! Damn, and here I was convinced that it was going to be an unpopular story! Shows what I know.

To show my gratitude to you all, I did end up writing a sequel to it, so here it is. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it for you. Thanks goes out to 'Puddinmasta' and other friends who helped pull this off.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything else in here that is copyrighted. Particularly not Death Note or Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles.

Legend:

"Talking"

'Thinking'

_Rules_

(Comments)

**Seireitei Rulebook, vol. 2**

By Kouzumi93

"Oi! Kenpachi! I don't want to fight you!" Ichigo shouted as he ran from the fight-crazy captain.

"Shut up! You've been stealing all of the battles lately, so you must be hella strong by now! I wanna fight you!"

"I don't care! Leave me alone, dammit!" Ichigo took sharp turn after sharp turn in order to lose his hunter. Suddenly, he collides with something and falls to the ground. Looking up, he sees that he has just run into Ukitake. "Ukitake-san!"

"Ah, Ichigo-kun. Where are you going in such a rush?"

"Ichigo! Where are you, you bastard?!"

"I'm running from him!" Ichigo replied hurriedly. "I've gotta go." He starts to run, but Ukitake puts his hand on his shoulder.

"Come with me. I'll show you a place to hide that he can never find you."

"Tell me again why we're in your office." Ichigo asked, his eye twitching.

"This is the last place Zaraki-taicho would look, if ever at all." Ukitake said while pouring tea.

"What was that bastard's problem anyway? I just passed through is division and they were all over me!"

Ukitake looked him over for a moment, then a light bulb blinked above his head. "Did you have Zangetsu out?"

"Well, he was on my back, but I didn't have it 'out.'"

"That's it! You never received the other portion of that rulebook, did you?" Ukitake began rummaging through the papers on his desk as if he was looking for something important.

"Rulebook...? Oh, that April Fool's Day thing, right?"

"Yeah, but this is the real book. Yamamoto-soutaicho made them rewrite it." With that, Ukitake held out a booklet of roughly the same size as its predecessor.

Ichigo hesitantly took the book. "So there are no false rules or anything in here, correct?"

Ukitake looked sceptical. "I wouldn't say that..."

"Dammit, what now?"

Ukitake smiled. "Just read them. The answer to your initial problem is in rule number two."

"Hmm..."

"You can stay here as long as you'd like."

"I guess this is the safest place for me to be right now..."

"Great! It's settled, then." Ukitake smiled once more and pulled out some paperwork to work on, while Ichigo slowly opened up the textbook, bracing himself for the content he was afraid that he was about to come across.

_Rule 1. Underage drinking may not be outlawed, but this does not give anyone the right to give Kusajishi-fukutaicho alcohol of any kind. (Her on sake is worse than her with sugar.) (Is it? I've never had a problem with her.) (That's because you're always drunk out of your mind yourself.) (True enough.)_

_Rule 2. Zanpakuto are not to be carried around or released within the Seireitei unless special orders are issued. (Please stop encouraging the eleventh division (brutes) members.) (Specifically Kenpachi.)_

"Wait. Since when has this rule existed?"

"Since the book was created."

"When was that?"

"About a week ago."

Ichigo face palmed. "And yet you're treating it as if it's been around for such a long time!" Ichigo glared daggers at the rulebook. "And this is just like the last one with all of those comments and stuff!"

"Well, you asked if there were any false rules and I never said no."

"God dammit. You guys are like little kids." With that, Ichigo closed the book and made a move to leave the office.

"Ah! You might want to keep reading, Ichigo-kun."

"...Why?" Ichigo asked suspiciously.

"Because they put some in there about you."

"Me?! Why the hell did they do that?"

"Why not?" Kyouraku responded as he appeared out of nowhere as only comical characters can.

"Aagh! You're all so frustrating!" The orange haired shinigami harshly threw himself back into the chair and resumed where he left off in the rulebook.

_Rule 3. Do not ask Madarame-sanseki to 'come out of the closet' regarding his Bankai. (That he 'supposedly' doesn't have.) (I hope that whoever wrote this is prepared to be attacked.)_

'Ikkaku has Bankai?'

_Rule 4. Also, no one is to question Ayasegawa-goseki regarding his sexuality. (Even though he is.) (Don't make assumptions. (Also known as 'making an ass out of yourself.')) (But you can tell that he is!) (Please refrain from elaborating here.)_

_Rule 5. Asking Matsumoto-fukutaicho if she breast-feeds Hitsugaya-taicho is not only (funny) inappropriate, it's (hilarious!) fucking disgusting. (What the hell? Who the fuck has a mind twisted enough to think of this?!)_

'Er.'

_Rule 6. The substitute shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo, (needs to show some respect) is (a jackass battle stealer) not to be (alive) called 'Strawberry.' (Can we cut this? It's so boring.) (Not anymore it's not.)_

Ichigo stood up. "What the hell is this?"

Kyouraku, who seemed to me more than a little drunk by this point, replied, "T's a rulebook."

Twitch. "I know that! Why is rule number six in here?"

"Oh, that. We needed somethin' fer ya, so we made that."

"And it was 'boring,' so you put comments _into_ it?"

"The other cap'ins did that. Not sure who." The eighth division captain downed some more sake. "Keep readin'. There's more on you in there."

"More?"

"Mhm."

"Dammit."

_Rule 7. The captains are to stop destroying the legitimacy of this booklet. Failure to do so will result in a temporary suspension of your title. (You can't tell who's doing what, Yama-jii.) (There are cameras, Shunsui.)_

_Rule 8. There is no room in the Soul Society for (pants) coffee. (Pants?) (Yeah. No one wears pants.) (But we--) (No we don't. They are hakama.) (I think you're onto something there.) (Why coffee?) ('Cause it gave way to the pants joke.) (I see.)_

_Rule 9. It is inappropriate to braid Yamamoto-soutaicho's beard. Likewise, do not make any attempts to shave it off. The same goes for his eyebrows. (We will not be responsible for anyone who may be cremated alive.)_

_Rule 10. Paperwork is to be filled out and returned in a timely manner. Paperwork is not to be made into any of the following: Origami, paper airplanes, art projects, toilet paper, money, wrapping paper, seals, napkins, towels, or anything that violates the TOS. (Who's been on the internet again?) (Why?) (We don't have a TOS.) (Oh.)_

"TOS?" Ichigo asked to no one in particular.

"Terms of Service. Websites tell you that anything you do must be within certain boundaries, called the TOS." Ukitake responded.

"I see."

"Shouldn't you know this already, anyway? You're a human."

"..."

_Rule 11. It is not advised to say 'Ichimaru' whilst around certain shinigami. (This also applies twofold to saying 'Aizen'.) (Hell, just don't say any of their names while around anybody. All problems are eliminated.) (But that's no fun then.) (Deal with it.)_

_Rule 12. While it may be true that Kurosaki Ichigo is bad with Japanese, we do not encourage you to make fun of him for it. (He may decide to go Tensa Zangetsu and then Getsuga(y) Tenshou your ass.) (He does that to everyone. It's not a threat anymore.) (True.) (Hey, is he even going to be able to read this without any help?) (Maybe.) (No.) (Probably [not].)_

"Grr."

_Rule 13. The killing of Omaeda-fukutaicho so as to get on Soifon-taicho's good side is not allowed. (Even though it may have been a good thing.) (For who?) (Everyone.) (Besides, only Soifon herself is allowed to kill him. You'll only piss her off if you steal her kill.) (Damn Right.)_

_Rule 14. Do not attempt to compare Komamura-taicho to a picture of an actual fox. (Or a dog.) (Or a wolf.) (Or a cat.) (Or-) (I think they can get the gist of it by now.) (Ya think?) (Yeah.) (Alright. Just making sure.)_

_Rule 15. Hiding Kyouraku-taicho's sake just for the pleasure of seeing him sober is not permitted. (He is terrible without his sake. Depriving him of it makes him so much more annoying.) Anyone caught doing so will be funding his alcohol expenses for a year._

_Rule 16. Asking Hisagi-fukutaicho to release his zanpakuto and run around in a black cloak is not permitted. (As funny as it may be, we can assure you that he is not the Grim Reaper. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.)_

_Rule 17. These 'Death Note' things many of you have been speaking of are now banned, so please stop pestering Kira-fukutaicho about his 'plot to rid the world of its evils'. (Kira has a plot like that?) (Since when has Kira even had a plot in the first place?) (Is he going to go emo after reading that?) (No.) (Really? Why not?) (Because he already is an emo kid.)_

_Rule 18. Shinigami are not permitted to enter the World of the Living on the thirty-first of October. Just because so many people are wearing masks does not mean that it is a hollow gathering. They are __**humans!**__ Don't attack any of them. (Even if the mask is white?) (Even if the mask is white.)_

_Rule 19. No shinigami are to go to the World of the Living without prior written approval from Yamamoto-soutaicho. (Does that include me?) (It especially includes you, Zaraki.) (You'd trigger the Apocalypse.) (Really...?) (Why is he laughing?) (Oh Shit!) (Quick, he's getting away!) (After him!)_

_~Interlude~_

_Erm, so Zaraki-taicho ran off to bring about the Apocalypse, and all of the captains left to chase after him. These events have left me here. Alone. With no company in sight, save for the computers in the room. Wait. These things have webcams built into them, don't they? Let's see what we can do to these things while the others are out..._

_~Five Minutes Later~_

_It was definitely a bad idea to play around with these computers. Only a few of them are working now, all because I couldn't figure out where the damned webcams were. I had been able to see myself on the screen, but I couldn't tell where it was coming from._

_So I ended up breaking a -few- of them. Yeah, just a few. That should do it._

_I hope that the captains don't come back anytime soon. 'Cause when they do, I'll be in more trouble than I can even imagine. What was that? Shit, they're here! I've gotta get out of here and hide! I don't have time to be typing this up anymore! My life is on the line!_

_~End Interlude~_

_Rule 20. Abarai-fukutaicho is no longer allowed to use any piece of electronic equipment. (Now we've only got nine working computers in here.) (I request a demotion for him.) (Request denied, Kuchiki-taicho.) (Hmm...)_

_Rule 21. Improper grammar and spelling mistakes on paperwork and all other official [looking] documents is punishable by death. (Seriously, who keeps making all of these rules with violent outcomes?) (Well this one was only designed to keep Kurosaki from getting a seated position when he dies, so it's alright.)_

"Why do you all keep targeting my Japanese skills? It's really not that funny."

"They seemed to think so."

"Bastards."

_Rule 22. The violent hazing of the new recruits is a punishable offence. Please stop. Also, please refrain form giving them false information. (Unless said recruit is a certain substitute shinigami. Then it's okay.) (That last comment is revoked.) (But everyone will haze Kurosaki anyway!) (That doesn't change the fact that this is still a punishable offence.)_

_Rule 23. Kurotsuchi-taicho is no longer to experiment on anything that moves. (No, this does not mean that you can cut it with your zanpakuto in order to stop it from moving.) (You can't kill anything that is not a threat to the Soul Society, either.) (Now would I really do something like that?) (Would you like someone to answer that?)_

_Rule 24. Please stop approaching Kira-fukutaicho, asking him to kill someone for you with his 'Death Note.' He owns no such item. (And if he did, it would be Oh-So-Much easier to kill the traitors.) (Agreed.)_

_Rule 25. Yagami Raito is not one of Kira-fukutaicho's aliases. Nor are they related, and they do not know each other. They will also probably never meet. This is the end of this discussion. (It probably won't be, though.)_

_Rule 26. It is unwise to ask Kurotsuchi-taicho if he needs someone to babysit his Bankai. (Why the hell would you want to babysit something that can kill you just by breathing?) (Maybe if you're suicidal?)_

_Rule 27. Hitsugaya-taicho is not to be referred to as any of the following: Shirou-chan, Jack Frost, Half-Pint, Chibi-taicho, Shorty, Kid, Little One, Midget, or anything similar to these. Actually, just don't refer to him (at all) as anything but Hitsugaya-taicho. (This means YOU, Hinamori!)_

_Rule 28. Do not ask Unohana-taicho what her methods are for subduing her unruly patients. (You really don't want to know. You don't know the things that I've seen in that division.) (What are you implying, Kyouraku-taicho?) (Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.) (I thought so.)_

_Rule 29. Anyone caught injuring themselves so as to get into the fourth and be able to flirt with the nurses will end up being put under Iemura-sanseki's care. (That is certainly not a place you would like to be.)_

_Rule 30. A note to all shinigami: there is no such division called the 'synthetic division'. We don't care if you took a math class and learned about something called 'synthetic division'. It. Does. Not. Exist. Stop asking about it. (Yama-jii said it!)_

_Rule 31. No one is to refer to Yamamoto-soutaicho as anything but 'Yamamoto-soutaicho'. Any nicknames and dropping of his title are banished. (That's not fair, Yama-jii!) (What was that, Kyouraku-taicho?) (What was what?)_

_Rule 32. It is not appropriate to make a version of Pac Man in which the traitors are the ghosts and someone else is Pac Man. (Why would anyone even do this?) (You never know.) (Alright, but why is this inappropriate?) (Cause it can be.)_

"So you guys have Pac Man here in the Seireitei?" Ichigo asked, looking up, only to see Kyouraku playing a game of Pac Man. "I'll take that as a yes, then."

Kyouraku looked up. "Huh? Did you say something, Kurosaki-san?"

"No, nothing at all." That was when Ichigo realized something. "Wait, where the hell did that TV come from?! That wasn't here when I came in!"

"You are more observant than I thought."

"Hey!"

_Rule 33. Do not ask Kurotsuchi-taicho to explain to you where babies come from. (Even as effective as it may be, you might be a little disturbed by the models that he has to show you?) (There is nothing wrong with those models.) (Except the fact that you made all of the younger shinigami sit through a lesson of it.) (...Please don't remind me.)_

_Rule 34. Kurotsuchi-taicho did not add anything 'extra' into his lieutenant, so stop asking him. You're giving him ideas. Also, they do not 'do' anything while they are alone together. (You all are very dirty minded. Two rules in a row about me?) (Yeah, but look at all of the rules about Zaraki.) (Touché.)_

_Rule 35. Stop asking Abarai-fukutaicho if his tattoos go 'everywhere'. (Quite frankly, we don't want to know. Even if they do.) (If you really want to know, ask Kuchiki-san. I'm sure she would know.) (What do you think you're implying?)_

"What is with all of these sexual jokes? You're all acting like a bunch of teenagers."

"Hmm...nice comparison, but teenagers don't drink." Kyouraku said as he poured himself some more sake.

"Not where I come from."

_Rule 36. Ukitake-taicho is currently not eagerly seeking for a replacement lieutenant. Therefore, you _will_ be instantly shut down for asking him. (He's actually waiting for Sentarou and Kiyone to battle it out for the position. The winner can get it.) (Please don't give them that idea!)_

_Rule 37. Urahara Kisuke is banished from the Soul Society. Any attempts to sneak him back in will be crushed and will result in the banishment of anyone involved. (Yoruichi-sama isn't banned, right?) (Yes.) (What?!) (No, she's not.) (Shut up! We might've had her going for a while there!)_

_Rule 38. It is forbidden to haunt humans just for the sake of getting on TV. They can't see you anyway, so there's no point. Also, the exorcism of your soul is not like when a zanpakuto cuts a hollow. This really will destroy your soul. (Does this mean I have to cancel my vacation now?)_

_Rule 39. It is not appropriate to attempt to add to the fifth division's paperwork. (They don't have a captain to do it, and just the thought of Hinamori-fukutaicho doing it is absurd.) (We don't care if you know that Hitsugaya-taicho is the one that has to do it. He has enough work.) (That's all the more reason to let him have some more.) (You bastard.)_

_Rule 40. Stop asking about these 'other worlds' you've read about in Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. You can't travel to them, nor will any feathers fall here. If any feathers _are_ found, please return them to their rightful owner. Do not attempt to revive anyone that has passed with said feather._

"When does this end? The other one was so short."

"Rule 58 is the last one."

"Why is it such an off number?"

"Because it's double what it was the last time."

"...So then there's eighteen more of these things?"

"It looks that way."

_Rule 41. Just because we are shinigami does not mean that we can see the life spans of humans. Therefore, the complaints and requests regarding this matter will be blatantly ignored. (And you will be stabbed.) (Or put up against Kenpachi.)_

_Rule 42. Sasakibe-fukutaicho is not from England. Asking him to speak in 'his' British accent is not allowed. (But he does like tea, and his moustache is funny looking. So he's English.) (That's so stereotypical.) (Your point is?)_

_Rule 43. Komamura-taicho's theme is not, never has been and never will be 'Foxy Foxy' by some man named 'Rob Zombie'. (No, we don't think he actually _is_ a zombie, so you can't have him for your experiments, Kurotsuchi.)_

_Rule 44. Do not ask Kyouraku-taicho if he intends to get a sex change. Just because he dresses (and looks) like a woman does not mean that he actually needs to _be _one. Leave him alone._

_Rule 45. Do not make Hisagi-fukutaicho go deaf and have Tousen say to him, 'I see.' We don't care if it's a funny joke. (Joke?) (Yeah. 'I see,' said the blind man to the deaf man.) (...?) (Blind people can't see, deaf people can't hear.) (Oh I get it!)_

_Rule 46. Please refrain from following Kenpachi around the Seireitei whilst singing 'Jingle Bells'. Putting him in a Christmas-y mood just makes him want to kill Santa even more [than usual], since he keeps getting coal._

_Rule 47. It is not advised to poke Matsumoto-fukutaicho's breasts with a pin in hopes that they will pop like balloons. They probably won't, and you would only succeed in making her royally pissed off._

_Rule 48. Putting 'censored' signs on all of Kurotsuchi-taicho's experiment jars is no longer permitted. People are starting to get curious. (And as we all know, curiosity murdered the cat.) (Since when were we even allowed to do this?)_

_Rule 49. The next person (captain) who suggests that the standing order during meetings should be determined by height will be severely punished. (Punished? How?) (Suggest it and you'll find out.) (No thanks. I think I'll pass.)_

_Rule 50. Seated officers are to please stop insulting the second division lieutenant, Omaeda Marechiyo. (But why? It's good entertainment.) (Try having him around your division Every. Single. Day. because he needs to be healed.) (Ah. I see.)_

_Rule 51. Fundraisers shall no longer include charging people money to see someone who looks like Aizen run around the fifth division. Hinamori-fukutaicho is _not_ stable, so please stop. (She's been getting so much worse, lately.) (I think she's starting to hallucinate, too.)_

_Rule 52. Do not ask Kotsubaki-sanseki and Kotetsu-sanseki who is older unless you feel like dealing with a perpetual argument. (We have them trained to stalk anyone who asks, so you will never have another night of sleep again.)_

_Rule 53. There are to be no more art contests. (We're not against art, but there have been way too many...erm...censored pictured that none of us wish to discuss at this moment.) (We don't care if you're a good artist. Those were really disturbing.) (I'll never look at Kira-fukutaicho and Ichimaru the same again.) (Er.)_

_Rule 54. Having Inoue Orihime send you dog treats to give to Komamura-taicho is not to be done anymore. (But what if I...er..._he_ likes them?) (Then ask for them yourself.) (I've heard of bets being started lately over whether or not you--_he'll_ eat them.)_

_Rule 55. Taking bets on whether or not Kyouraku-taicho and Ise-fukutaicho are closer than they appear should not be done [around Nanao-chan]. (Because we certainly--) (Are not.) (Ah, Nanao-chan~! What brings you here?) (I heard you were working and didn't believe it. And I see I was correct.) (How cruel, Nanao-chan!)_

_Rule 56. Hisagi-fukutaicho is not a ninja, and Kazeshini can not be turned into numchucks. Please stop insisting upon this. (What if he really is a ninja?) (Then he can find his way back to Konoha.) (And if he does) (...Then we'll have to find ourselves a new lieutenant.)_

_Rule 57. Please do not drag Hitsugaya-taicho to a carnival to have his face painted to make him look like a panda. He is not as thrilled as you are. (Just because his white hair and short stature makes it much more believable, it doesn't make it okay.)_

_Rule 58. If you would somehow manage to get away with the previous, do not release an angry Hitsugaya-taicho on China. (Pandas are supposed to be nice, anyway. Hitsugaya wouldn't cut it.) (Nor would I want to.) (Aw, don't be such a spoil sport!)_

Ichigo closed the rulebook and set it back on Ukitake's desk, still trying to fathom that the captains had made something so incredibly childish. And that they had given it out to their subordinates to read.

Ukitake looked up. "Did you read all of them, Ichigo-kun?"

"Yeah. And I wish I never had."

"Oh? Why?"

"Because they don't feel like rules at all. Just like the last time!" Ichigo shouted, outraged at the book.

"So you figured it out already?"

"Figured out what?"

"That it was just another joke." Ukitake said calmly, as if he expected Ichigo to already know this.

"WHAT?!"

~End~

P.S. We have to end this here due to the possible violence that may follow soon. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. (Actually we're not, but this looks so much better for our reputation.)

~The Real End~

I hope you liked this. Not all of the rules belonged to me, as there were a few kids in my class that were helping me out, but they are mostly mine. We all had a lot of laughs while in the process of creating this, so I hope I can procure many more laughs from everyone who reads it.

I do apologize, but I do not plan on writing another one. Feel free to do one of your own. I'd love to read it.

Review please!


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